Interpersonally Dependent Behavior

Introduction

Do you find yourself struggling to make decisions on your own? Even decisions of a small magnitude, like what you should pack for lunch or what you should wear before heading to the office for the day? Do you ever ask friends for their input on these matters, even though technically, you could google the weather and put together an outfit on your own? If so, you may have interpersonally dependent traits, including automatic thoughts and actions beyond your conscious awareness that aim to keep you in close connection with people you value highly – and perhaps even at the expense of your sense of self and independence.

Interpersonal Dependency and the Workplace

Interpersonal Dependency is the tendency to overly rely on others when autonomous or independent functioning is possible (Deitchman & Bornstein, 2020).

While Interpersonal Dependency has been heavily stigmatized and pathologized in the literature since the inception of the Psychology field itself, recent theoretical conceptualizations (e.g., Bornstein 2012) highlight adaptive features of dependency, including increased emotional awareness and better adherence to therapy and medical regimes, among other important factors. Do not fear – we all have dependency-driven needs to some extent, because humans need social connection (Ainsworth, 1972). Dependency is best understood as occurring on a continuum ranging from unhealthy (i.e., maladaptive) to healthy (i.e., adaptive).

The 3 Problematic Signs

Here are some signs that your own interpersonal expectations of yourself based on the input of others are creeping into your workplace behaviors and could prove problematic:

1. You constantly seek validation from managers or supervisors: You highly doubt yourself and your capabilities for no real reason, which will cause you to seek reassurance or validation from higher-ups to inform you that you are doing a good job. While we all do this to some extent, if you find yourself contemplating your worth in a workspace without constant positive feedback from your boss, you may be interpersonally dependent.
2. You struggle to initiate tasks without confirmation from your manager: Your self-doubt can manifest in crippling decision-paralysis without you even knowing it, which may cause you to stop and seek approval before initiating a task that likely doesn’t warrant external approval.
3. You struggle with impostor syndrome: Even though you landed the high-power, high-paying job, you question your goodness-of-fit in the role or in the company, even though you have the accolades, credentials, and awards, you still don’t feel worthy of your career. While Imposter Syndrome is complex and could stem from multiple causes, if you struggle with interpersonal dependency, you will very likely struggle with Imposter Syndrome.

Summary and Final thoughts

These patterns of behavior may or may not harm your career depending on a number of factors, including how often they occur and how understanding your manager is.

While these difficulties may not harm your career, they may exacerbate your mental health and well-being beyond your conscious awareness, hence why it is important to assess your own interpersonal wishes, fears, beliefs, motivations and desires to increase your sense of agency, autonomy, and ultimately improve your confidence and relationships – and make work, something with which we may already have a complicated relationship – more straightforward.

For many people, therapy can be a safe place to explore your relational patterns to determine if you have co- dependent tendencies, help people overcome their imposter syndrome, and enable them to act more independently and confidently when required.

If you are interested in learning more about interpersonal dependency or would like to discuss starting therapy with me to address these patterns of behavior.

I can be reached at: alyssadeitchman@cpp-nyc.com

Title – 3 Signs you are Exhibiting Interpersonally Dependent Behavior at the Workplace:
Alyssa Deitchman, Ph.D.

References:

Ainsworth, M. D. (1972). Attachment and dependency: A comparison. In J. L. Gewirtz (Eds.). Attachment and Dependency. (pp. 97-137). Washington, DC: Winston.

Bornstein RF. (2012b). From dysfunction to adaptation: An interactionist model of dependency Annual Review of Clinical Psychology. 8: 291-316. DOI: 10.1146/annurev clinpsy- 032511-143058 

Deitchman, A., & Bornstein, R. F. (2020). Interpersonal dependency and depression: A meta-analytic review. [Doctoral dissertation, Adelphi University]. ProQuest Dissertations Publishing